I’ve been thinking about character flaws a lot lately. I have many (but the fact that I realize them is probably a good thing right? RIGHT?).

Some of mine:
I need praise/feedback – if I receive none, I get paranoid (hence today TheBoss asked me a question out of the blue and I freaked out, “TheBoss knows I’m alive! Uh oh, I don’t have the answer to his question in front of me… THIS ISN’T GOOD!”)

I also have a strong opinion about someone, or no opinion about someone. Meaning, I’m either completely biased, or not even a little biased in employee relations situations.

I take everything personally. I want you to like me even if I’m telling you that “we are freeing you up to look for better professional opportunities.” I’ve gotten over that by a lot, but it’s still there.

I get very annoyed when I’m working on something and someone interrupts with a question that doesn’t involve life-or-death.

I get very annoyed when someone asks me a question that I feel that they should either know the answer to themselves because they asked me already, or could easily find out, but choose to be lazy.

The point is that I know what my flaws are. I try to deal with them as best as I can. A lot of HR is dealing with other people’s intellectual and behavioral shortcomings and helping others to do so as well. (WOW! That sounded zen-like!) I know who isn’t going to smile ever, who hates everyone, who isn’t aware of how they look to other people, who’s shy…

… who’s shy. I get very annoyed with shy people.

TheBoss is shy. Someone told me this recently. And I never thought about that. But it’s 100% true. That’s why the DeltaHouse-saving leadership moment is never coming. TheBoss is too shy to give it. But he’ll tell other people to have other people relay that message. And I was thinking about a lot of times where TheBoss being shy was the reason behind either A) really bizarre situations, or B) really bizarre behavior is deemed OK by TheBoss.

TheBoss cowers at the chance to make an address to the employees, or even write a quick note to the employee base (I do those). TheBoss doesn’t walk around and ask people how they are doing (TheBoss asks me what I know about them). TheBoss doesn’t tell people that they are doing good or bad work (he just asks me to can people who he’s decided that doesn’t like for zero discernable reason, fortunately I can stop that when it happens).

Here’s why I get annoyed with shy people. Throughout my life as a child, I was shy (most children are, it’s probably a natural defense mechanism). My parents refused to allow this. They taught me to shake hands with adults, look them in the eye, and greet them like a adult. And even engage them in brief conversation. This served me very well, and it helped shed shyness. But I’ve been constantly around people in my life that I never understood, then someone finally said, “They’re shy! That’s why they don’t talk that much. You just have to get to know them.”

HORSESH!T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to work to get to know the shy person? Really? Why? Can’t the shy person practice not being shy by stepping out of his shell and speaking to me? I’m pretty easy to talk to (I’ve checked). No one has to work to get to know me. Why do I need to work to get to know someone who’d rather be hidden in a hole somewhere rather than have to talk to other people.

DISCLAIMER: I have no point with this, I’m just venting. And I’m not talking about people with autism, or people with severe emotional disorders than prevent them from leaving the house. I’m talking about people who can work, but can’t talk to co-workers.

Read More…

Every company has the same people as if the president went to Wal-Mart and picked up the religious zealot, the weekend warrior, the strict vegetarian, the problem drinker, the unimportant-important guy, the guy who no one knows what they’re job is, and the HR person. Here are a few more…

“In my previous company.” — This person has a job at DeltaHouse. However, for reasons passing totally understanding, the company they came from did everything else better than DeltaHouse does. Which is fine in the cases where the new way is better. But I don’t need to know when OldPlace had lunch, or how the offices were laid out, or that the receptionist was nicer, or that they had bagels on Fridays. If OldPlace was so f-ing great, why are you cursing us with your presence… you were fired, weren’t you?

“Yeah, that’s right guys.” — This person is the person who the one person who doesn’t do the weekly report, or who leaves the coffeemaker on 24/7, or who leaves lights on all the time. Basically the one person in the group that hasn’t figured out that they have to what everyone else is doing. So finally, the boss makes the speech to the entire group of employees saying that all weekly reports are due Wednesday at 10am. This person will look at the group like, “what’s your problem?!?!” When we’re talking about THEM!

Read More…

So I had an angry employee email me and copy TheBoss about an issue. Here’s the sh!tty part, the person sending me the email never even came to me first in order to solve the problem. They just sent the email and copied TheBoss, forcing me to quickly solve the problem – dropping everything in the process.

This such crime should be punishable by a punch in the face. The person who the email is intended for such be able to either a) slam the sender’s head into a doorframe, or b) ball up the fist and blow up the sender’s face.

Other crimes that deserve a face-punch/head-slam…

* Re-copying TheBoss when I reply to just you to answer your question. I tried to act like an adult and emailed you back directly, and you opted to re-copy TheBoss in your email reply when this has nothing to do with him, you are just choosing to be an ass. This is more of a head-slam offense.

* The call-no-voice-mail-call-back-repeat. This person calls you. You have no time to pick up, or don’t want to pick up. So you flush it to voice mail, you’ll deal with it later. Instead the caller, calls you back five minutes later. Then four minutes later. Then three minutes later. Until you pick up. This happens to me once a week by a steady rotation of former employees who are calling me to see if we are hiring again yet. This is a face-punch offense.

* The a$$hole voice mail message. You’ve gotten this one, “VHRG, this is Whoever. Please call me back.” Whoever won’t tell you why they are calling, or even what it pertains to (are they a spy? do they need the antidote? are they in jail? were they abducted by aliens? did they lose their TV remote?). They just want a call back. And your curiousity forces you to call them back. And generally the topic is something that wasn’t worth the mystery in the first place. Face-punch offense.

* The illogical timetable request. This is someone that wants you to find out something for then. However the person you need to work with is in another time zone, and odds are that person is still in the shower because they just woke up. Meanwhile, six minutes after the request is made, the follow up has already happened. The second follow up is ten minutes after that. The third is four minutes after that. The fourth is them plopping down in your office until their issue is solved. This requires a head-slam.

Got others?

Read More…

I mentioned this in a tweet. I pure, straight, hate nepotism. I hate it for several reasons.

1) At VentingHRUncle’s company, I’d dominate in HR there. I know the company well enough that I would have totally excelled there. But, they have a hard and fast anti-nepotism policy. And I really don’t like the idea of hearing/over-hearing the idea of people bashing my family, and believing that this is a face-punching offense. Nor would I like to feel people go, “the VHRG is only here because VentingHRUncle is a VIP.” It also has to cheapen the overall employment experience. You didn’t get the job on your own laurels.

2) I have yet to see a case where this actually worked out well for all involved. At DeltaHouse, it happens a lot (though I’ve tried to stop it). At HRUtopia is happened a little bit (the biggest case was a person who went to the Vegas office a lot, however the Vegas office only had seven people and he really didn’t need to go out there six times a year). The original employee feels like they are responsible for themself and the relative. If the relative doesn’t work out, then the original employee is less engaged. And if the original employee has real nerve, they’ll talk to the VHRG about the relative’s performance.

3) The death of the original idea. If I hire nothing but friends and relatives, then I get nothing but the same damn ideas over and over again. I get the same attitudes, the same perspectives, and no clean slate. The relative has an opinion about the company courtesy of the orignal employee. And because of all of this zero new leadership or original ideas occur.

Read More…

… why do companies have such elaborate systems for applying for jobs? I’m not going to remember the password that has to have letters, and special characters, and numbers. I mean, seriously, how many different ways can I spell, “ILoveBunnySlippers?” Which is my password for everything. I’M APPLYING FOR ONE DAMN JOB!!!!!

… Not to mention that I’m uploading my resume and then filling out little blanks for what’s supposed to be on the resume throughout the process. Why is this extra step necessary?

… why are all Taco Bell room temperature’s kept at thirty-three degrees? Do they not have refrigerators, and are just leaving the food out?

… if you get rejected for a job, for some reason, I feel like this forever damns you from being able to apply for another job again. Am I crazy for thinking that?

… has anyone ever posted a job “confidentially” on a job board and then had the person they were secretly trying to place apply for it? This has had to have happened, right?

… every job has to suck of some reason, right? Pro athlete: you can’t eating dinner be yourself with a parade of fans bugging you. Comedian: perpetual requests to be funny. Author: constant criticism. Anonymous blogger: paranoia… no pay.

… does anyone actually eat the cinnamon raisin bagel? It’s always the last bagel on the tray. Can we agree to stop having them added to the batch that gets brought to work?

… do those companies that offer professional help with resumes and applying to jobs work? They seem like a scam to me, be they advertise everywhere.

Read More…

When you buy something, what you are essentially saying is this: “I would rather have the item/service that I’m about to buy than money.” Now, of course, some things are necessities: food, shelter, clothes, electricity, etc. But there are other things that I’ve seen people purchase/own that just befuddle me: you would rather have this than money? Really?

Here are four…

Cell phone rings that are music – as someone who does recruiting, I can’t tell you how many times I’ll call someone and here those nine little words, “please enjoy the music while your party is reached…” and then I’m treated to “Free Bird” or “Boom Boom Pow” or “Paralyzer” while my opinion of the general intelligence and professionalism of the candidate is being shaped. And I can’t help but to think, “Instead of $2 per month (or whatever this costs) this person wants me to have Safety Dance blaring in my ear?” Perfect example, ex-employee, CokeMachine came by to pick up papers from me. Before he comes by, I call him to clarify something… and… “FREE BIRD!!!!!!” In chatting with CokeMachine, I discover that times are tough, he can’t find work, and he’s using my info to get state assistance. I felt like saying, “Hey, I can give you $24 per year and make you more marketable at the same time!”

Vanity license plates - Pigeon was a former co-worker of mine who I just didn’t get along with. She hated working and life in general, and I wanted to see her get stuck in an elevator full of pigeons (her phobia) for several hours. Anyway, she told me time and again about the sums of money I wasted going out to lunch every day. I tried to ignore it as much as possible (though I’m pretty sure she got of a tell-off or ninety-seven courtesy of me). Then one day she came in talking about her great new car. Our group went to see it. The car was covered with sh!t, including, but not limited to: several bumper stickers, fuzzy dice, a bead back-rest thingy, a steering wheel cover, and a vanity license plate that served as a double entendre for her love of weed. Yet, I was wasting money feeding myself.

Tattoos – I have an employee who wants to discuss two things: his low-pay and overall lack of having money, and his next tattoo. This guy has one sleeve tattoo, and an outline of something involving a dragon, a centaur, and a bikini clad woman who couldn’t physiologically exist on his leg. But on the flip side, money’s tight.

Top of the line cell phone – now I love gadgets, but I don’t need to have a combo MP3 Player/Phone/Camera/Weapon that costs $700. Lumberjack has something that I don’t think airport security would let onto a plane. On the flip side, Lumberjack has had his back account cleaned out… twice (according to him, “the bank totally f*cked me over”), and has had three bank judgments levied against him that I get stuck taking out of his paycheck.

Read More…

I had a networking-connection-generated interview totally backfire on me. I had a phone interview and killed it. The interviewer loved me. I felt great. They had scheduled 30 minutes, the phone interview ended at 50 minutes. Great signs all around…

… until …

… the question, “How much do you want to make?” was asked. Now, my networking contact gave me a range he believed they’d be willing to pay. Which is what I was looking to make. So I confidentally pitch out the number. Thank you… and… good niiiiiiiiii…

… WHAT?!?!?!?!

… What the hell just happened?

… What’s that gasp on your end of the conversation for?

… Why do you suddenly sound tense?

… F*CK! The number was to damn high. I just freaking embarrassed myself. This isn’t my fault. NETWORKING CONTAAAAAAAAACT!

As I sat there realizing what happened, I was stunned. How did this go so wrong so quickly? Basically a massive WTF happened as I realized I was going to have to go back to DeltaHouse in the morning sans hope… again.

But it also got me thinking about networking. There are no rules to networking. There’s etiquette, but no real actual rules. So I’m going to take a shot at some rules to networking. Here’s five that I came up with…

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE feel free to agree, disagree, add, update, or delete these rules. Maybe this could be THE preeminent networking list of rules.

By networking with a person, I signify that I understand the following…

1) … unless we’ve been friends for a while, that any contact from you will be related to growing your business, job contacts, or promoting something for your business.

2) … The Godfather Rule applies. In the movie The Godfather a man (Enzo? The baker? Was that has name?) asks Don Corleone for a favor (no, not Johnny Fontaine, the first guy). Don Corleone agrees to the request and in return he says that there could be a day – but this day may never come – where the Don asks for a favor in return, and the favor must be granted immediately. This rule applies to networking, if I ask you to do me a favor. And later on (years from then, even) if you ask me to do a favor, I’m honor-bound to do such a favor. And vice versa.

3) … If something goes bad (interview, business deal, etc.), and I messed it up, I owe you an explanation and an apology. You put your neck out there for me, and I messed it up. Let’s be professional here. The same is true in reverse. I’d love my networking contact to explain to me WTF happened with the phone interview, but no dice. He’s been in hiding. I’d rather just hear what happened. I’m not mad, I just want closure.

4) … If the networking contact produce something for you (a job, a business deal, a new connection, a new friend, etc.) you owe them a thanks. It could be a thank you note. If it’s a job or a business deal, I’d hope it’d be more. If the networking contact’s job interview hook-up had paid off, I was prepared to send a few bottles of wine over to him at his office as a thanks. And if any job comes through a networking contact, I’ll gladly get somebody some wine courtesy of the VHRG!

Read More…

I was at a networking event recently, and in the chaos that these events tend to be, I found a group of people that I generally liked, and to a person each of us said something to the effect of, “as soon as the economy picks up, I’m gone.” Turns out there’s a mini-nation of VHRG’s out there looking to do the same thing as this VHRG (third person… BOOM!). Reasons for the desire to move ran the gamut: money, fresh start, tired of the company, tired of the people, never any good news, beat down, etc.

But along these lines, the topic turned to what could be (or could have been, if they were as far gone as me – trust me, met a few, even at companies that I think wouldn’t be too bad to work for) to save these orators, poets, and statesmen of HR. Here’s some of the stuff that we came us with…

1) Spending money – GASP! Times are tough, VHRG! There is no money! True. But I’m not talking about raises or bonuses. I’m talking about a party. I’m talking about a social gathering where people remember that we are- first and foremost – people. I have two friends in the hotel industry, they are convinced that the year-end party is a dinosaur at this point. Find a place and get a deal and spend a little to have a good time. If employee say, “I’d rather just have a raise.” The response is, “It’s this party or nothing. What do you choose?”

2) Not checking on your employees – This is to the end of not verbally pumping up employees. Many companies think that a review equals a raise. Incorrect. A review (especially a positive one) even without a raise could make employees feel at least as if the work they are doing counts for something and is being noticed.

3) Not updating the employees – What is the company doing to try to get new business? What suggestions do you have for business success? How is the company doing? Let get everything out on the table. Have ideas of how to grow business? Bring it on!

4) Reminding them that the job market and economy sucks – Tell them that they are lucky to even still miraculously be employed while you’re at it (Punk Rock HR, nailed this last week). Then kick their dog. That’ll drum up loyalty real quick.

5) Not having fun – Create your own fun. Contests. Games. Parties. Come up with something, anything that you could do to make the current work situation suck less. Your goal needs to be to return the smiles to the company (even if it’s for 30 minutes).

Read More…

… I quit a job to work for another company, in the same building. So I basically just dropped down a few floors in an office building. However, for six months after I stopped working at the first company, the HR Manager there would tell me she had a project for me to work on, and would ask if I could see her that afternoon. I always said, “No problem.”

… I had a boss that would buy anything a vendor tried to sell her, so long as they took her to dinner (and drinks… lots and lots of drinks). We had two HRIS systems because of this.

… I had someone ask my marital status in a job interview. Thank goodness I got the job. I think my first thought would have been to sue if I didn’t.

… I worked with someone who sneezed so loud, I could hear her on the other end of the office.

… I had a manager who had a meeting with us. After she left, we closed the door and met ourselves to figure out responsibilities for the project she assigned. Realizing that we had a closed door, the manager came back in to clarify something, then left with the door to the room open. We closed it again. She then came back to say something else, then left leaving the door open. We closed it again. She then just opened the door and left. Clearly we weren’t allowed to have a closed-door meeting.

… I was doing a phone interview, StoneCold knocked on the door. I motion through the tiny window that I was on the phone. StoneCold nodded in understanding, and then stood there staring at me until I was done with the phone interview. The critically urgent matter: He wanted to hand me a doctor’s note for yesterday’s absence. The company paid him $5.90 to do that, I did the math.

Read More…

… OK, so I used to think that about a year from now, you are going to see a massive game of musical chair where throngs of people would go from job to job in a six month period because of…

a) The natural order of things. People just leave jobs. Think back five years ago, how many people are still at those companies. At SoulCrush, there are two in my group of eight that are still there.

b) People are blaming the messenger. Even if their company wasn’t responsible for the crappy condition the company is in (economic conditions/bad luck/poor management), it doesn’t matter, they’re pissed, and they need a fresh start. They blame the company for pay-cut/no raises, increased workloads, decreased friends at work, decreased happiness at work, etc.

c) The natural throngs of re-hiring that companies would do when the economy bounced back. The ides was that if you had one person doing the job of three, then you would expect the company to add at least one more person to help.

I no longer think that these things are going to be what pulls the job market back up to where it ought to be.

I think two things are going to shepherd the job market back to proposerity…

1) The increase in green technologies. No one cared nearly as much five years ago, even two years ago as they do now on the being green. There will be green jobs created that will start a bit of light shifting in the job market that might free some opportunities up in the job market.

2) And more importantly: the stock market. The stock market was at 14,000 points at it’s height before the badness that occurred. Then the, “My 401-k is now a 201-K” jokes started flying. But if the stock market can scratch 14,000 again, my thought is that the Baby Boomers – many of whom were thinking of calling it a career at some point between 2008 and 2014 – will start re-considering retirement as a possibility when the stock market is back up to the level that is was when they were in that frame of mind. Now that they don’t have to work anymore… they won’t. And they’ll leave. And then those jobs will get created.

HOWEVER, this doesn’t necessarily mean that all Baby Boomers that thought of retiring will be able to do so. Many of them will have to work past the 14,000 re-climb because they’ve gotten stuck having to empty their 401-k’s in order to make ends meet.

Just a thought, feel free to ridicule.

Read More…

First thing’s first, I’m going to be on the HR Happy Hour podcast on Thursday (live), or Friday (podcasted). Check it out. I’m going to tell some stories I wrote about already. And some new ones too. Back to the article.

The group lunch, the most ridiculous social experiment in the history of work. You and people that you kinda like are about to go out to lunch together. Here are the people that are going to go with you for lunch…

No Veggie Guy
This guy doesn’t want any vegetables… ever. If it’s green and he’s eating it, it’s cookie icing. His hamburger has only cheese, meat, and maybe ketchup on it. If you ask him why he has made such a lifestyle choice, he reacts like a vegetarian.

No Ethnic Food Guy
(by the way, “guy” is just easier to write. Feel free to assume I mean both genders). This person is afraid of any kind of ethnic food. And no, I don’t mean the questionable Indian food buffet down the street. No Ethnic Food Guy doesn’t want spaghetti or tacos, or any of that other “foreign food.”

The Vegetarian
This person is scary. They go to lunch, sip diet soda, and ask for a side of rice. Then blather on about how this was the only option available to them to eat. Before lunch they “didn’t care” about where you were going to go. Now that the group picked, you are treated to stories about how the cows that went into the burger you are currently eating… nevermind. You didn’t want to know the first time.

The Creature of Habit
This person only wants to go the place you’ve been going every day for the past past seven years and order the same sandwich/salad/dish that they’ve always ordered. They get the shakes when you suggest going to a new place, because that new place isn’t the same place you’ve been going to forever. And if you get lunch at the new place, that means you’re not going to the same place you’ve been going to forever.

Read More…

OK, I really wish there were certain things that you could have or do at work, that you just can’t. Because of laws… but, mainly etiquette… and propriety.

1) Pimp my Cubicle – Ever since Pimp my Ride came out (it isn’t still out, is it? That show was like Celebrity Deathmatch, cool, but eventually we got the point), but picture a service that could put what ever you want in your office/cube. Wall-sized computer monitors. Trap doors. Couches. Wall safes instead of locking file cabinets.

2) De-Pimp their Cubicle – Do you have co-worker who still has the same picture of her kids or cats from six years ago? Venting HR Parents still have my high school picture in their offices. But still, let’s make the point that you are looking at their workspace too. It’s not just about them. You have to look at the cat-len-dar, and their oriental rug that is inexplicably in their space. Next day, they come in to: neon lights and a disco ball!

3) Anonymous Hate Mail – Have an employee that is driving you nuts about a specific thing? Here’s where you get to have your say while making them think that the conspiracy is that much more. Send them anonymous hate mail. HarleyGuy can come to work with an email saying, “Hey HarleyGuy, exactly zero people care about the time you and your other geriatric friends went to a biker bar 40 miles away. You are holding people hostage with your conversations.” Solves a problem. Go to collegehumor.com and read Roomate Confession for your on free ideas.

Read More…

I have nothing great to post with tonight. No long story of anything. I have a few that I’m sitting on, but I don’t have it in me to write them tonight. But I have a few rambling thoughts. Mostly HR/employment realted.

In case you haven’t figure it out by now, I am really bad at opening paragraphs. Like brutally, painfully bad. Like remedial English class bad.

I think that people act like the job that they are in now is the job and they are going to have forever. I believe that’s a survival tactic. But think about it, if you you decided that this isn’t where you were going to be forever, would you try to make friends? Would you care about long term assignments? Nope.

I forgot to add to Friday’s post of weird stuff that happened to me at work (see below), that I once once involved in a bizarre, yet heated, lunchroom table turf war with a group of secretaries that averaged 300 pounds and a pack of cigarettes per day. My strategy was to out-live them.

Similar thought to the one above: I actually watched an entire season of The Simpsons on DVD at work during a day when the VIP’s were at a golf outing and I was one of the remaining four people NOT cool enough to go on the golf outing.

I’ve recently read articles about how the economy is causing more and more depression. Lesson: be a psychiatrist. Just kidding (man, that was just a terrible joke.). But I can see it at DeltaHouse, it’s sad. We used to joke, and have fun together. Well, not “me” in the “we”, but still. I think people at DeltaHouse notice this, but don’t notice it.

If you have a good boss, keep them (as much as possible)! I have yet to have a good boss (the best I had was “average” as told to me by UtopiaSavior), and I’ve been working since Bill Clinton was president. Good bosses care about you, teach you, and want the best for you – in exchange, you break your ass for them, and work to make them look good.

Read More…

Lots of people have had strange things that have happened to them at work. Here are some of mine…

I once had a manager take her team out to dinner to a fancy steak and sushi place. We ordered drinks and then I notice that there were no menus be given out. Instead massive trays of sushi were brought out. VHRG’s lifetime sushi experience up to that point: zero.

I had a boss who would quarterly host parties at her house. No music. No TV. Just drinking and her awful cooking. Why not say you had plans? Because she kept track of your vacation days and knew if you were really skipping town. You have someone coming in town to visit? Bring them along. SLOW DEATH.

I had a boss literally stand over my shoulder and watch me work. Her record: 93 minutes. Previous record: 81 minutes. Times I debated conjuring gas to pass during both records: 6.

The president of a company I worked at kept calling me, “Vince.” My name isn’t Vince, by the way, it isn’t even close. But he’s the president, so…

The same president would take time during Christmas (right before raise time) to inform us that the company didn’t do that well this year. Totally unrelated, he would be driving a brand new car in February.

For that president, we had a Christmas gift collection that we were “strongly encouraged” to donate money toward (so the guy who doesn’t need money has money collected for him for a gift). We would go present him with the gift. And in return, he would give us war stories from Vietnam for an hour. I’ll take this time to mention that our IT guy was from Vietnam.

Read More…

At a previous job, a boss I had would stand at my cube opening/non-wall (directly behind me) and wait for me to notice he was there. Usually, that took about a minute. Any longer than that and the boss started breathing hard through his nose (with a nose whistle, did I mention he has a long mustache that fluttered when he breathed? It’s more ridiculous that way, but still true, and funny. Let just move on.) to let me know he was there. I finally took this as an insult that this person couldn’t take the time to figure out my name, or have the human decency to do the fake-knock, or say, “Hey VHRG.” So the next time it happened, I let the boss stand there breathing hard.

Why?

Because the guy couldn’t bring himself to call me by name. Anyway, I wanted to let him stand there and see breathe hard waiting for me to notice. Ten minutes later, I finally turned around. The guy looked like he was about the hyperventilate.

Read More…